COLUMNS

Have you ever played one of those fantasy hockey/football dreamteam competitions? You get a couple of million bucks to put together a team with your favorite players. You receive points if your players does well in the reallife games. Now, imagine that you’re a fantasy movieproducer who wants to find the perfect cast and production team. Who would you pick? OK, let’s start from the bottom. You’ve received scripts from Woody Allen, Paul Schrader (Taxi driver) and Nora Ephron (Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry met Sally). They have all written a romantic script taking place in New York. They’re very different from each other. Woody’s script contains a lot of dialogue and is not even structured in the 3 act school (his never are). His lead characters are strongly influenced by their religious background and that has a great impact on the script. Schrader’s script shows the dark side of New York, revolving around all various kinds of lowlifes and criminals, but it’s edgy and very psychological. Nora Ephron’s script has its usual comedy ingredients and a lot of jokes. It’s the most "liberal" script of the 3. Which script to pick? They’ve all written their versions of a love scene set in New York’s Central Park. With Allen’s scene we have to deal with the lover’s childhood and the whole thing ends up with the guy telling his girlfriend he’s impotent due to lack of happiness in his family and that he’s late for his daily appointment with his psychologist. The girl of course answers that he’s got no respect for her mantra or something. Schrader’s scene is of course taking place at night, and the couple is robbed while having sex under a bush. The male lead character of course goes berserk after this incident and not only slaughters the robbers but also the accidentally kills his girlfriend trying to stop him from killing the robbers. Very romantic indeed. Ephron’s liberal approach requires you to think of the world as a "we-are-the-world-and-nothing-bad-is-ever-going-to-happen -to-me-except-for-a-broken-toe-nail" kind of place. Let’s move on to cinematographer.. Who would you pick? Should you go with Sven Nykvist (Crimes and misdemeanors, Once around) or maybe Jan deBont (Die Hard)? Nykvist with his subtle lighting and static camera or deBont’s aggressive style? Or perhaps you’d pick Tonino delli Colli (The good the bad and the ugly, Death and the maiden) to show it from another perspective, with twisted angles and a lot of extreme closeups. No movie is complete without an original score. With John Williams (Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Jaws) as the composer, the love scene would be accompanied by the entire LA Symphony orchestra, bombastic and epic. Even if a handgranade would explode in the movie theater, all you’d hear would still be Williams’s score screaming out from the speakers. The audience would believe that they were watching an orgy. Bring in the late Bernard Hermann (Psycho, Taxi Driver, Citizen Kane) and his "not-so-smooth" sound you’ll be waiting for Norman Bates to jump out of the woods with a knife. Be sure to bring some earplugs if you’re sensitive to high pitched sounds. With Ennio Morricone (The good the bad and the ugly, The untouchables, A fistful of dollars)you’ll hear everything from harmonicas to bottles. It could spice up this scene with his original sound. This would however work better if it was set in Mexico. On to the supporting actors. JT Walsh (Backdraft, The last seduction, Red rock west) , who unfortunately died of a heartattack on the 27th of February 1998, has specialized on portraying sleazeball lawyers, corrupt politicians and other scumbags. He’d be the perfect actor to play the parkranger who thinks he owns Central Park, telling the couple to copulate somewhere else. If you want a more comedic approach, you can hire Cheech Marin (Tin cup, From dusk till dawn) as the annoying homeless dude looking for cans under their blanket. Now the female supporting role. If you want a moral message, you might want young Natalie Portman (Heat, The Professional) as the 15 year old girl who to her disgust finds two strangers naked in her favorite spot in the park. Could Dianne Wiest (Bullets over Broadway, Radio Days) deliver the goods? How could she make this scene unforgettable? Her ability to create a neurotic persona could add a fresh flair to this scene. Now the two leading roles. The guy and the girl. With Robert deNiro as the guy, you’ve got one of the most versatile actors in the business.DeNiro’s ability to physically change during a shooting period could come at handy here. He can get the best out of the other actors in each scene. He’s not a self-obsessed actor, and is quite happy to play second fiddle from time to time. Do you think it’s too downbeat, too dark? Give Jim Carrey a call. He’d turn the scene around completely. With Jim as the lover, the female lead would be easily forgotten. Jim Carrey’s a scene-stealer by gigantic proportions. How about a lover with a European background? Gerard Depardieu with his modest

almost shy acting method spiced with a French accent would surely give the female audience something to sigh about. The leading female role could be handed Meryl Streep if you wanted real depth in your character. With Sandra Bullock you’d have to settle with a more lightweight character, easy to like but not that challenging. You’d choose her if you wanted a PG-13 flick. Cast Jessica Tandy if you want a more mature female lead. This could then be a sequel to Cocoon and Cocoon 2. Finally, you need someone to direct this flick. There are several directors out there who surely would be able to turn this into a classic. If you’ve got the money and wants a sure hit talk to Steven Spielberg. His name alone surely will attract the masses and it also will give you a tidy profit from all this. For you who doesn’t care about how your movie will do financially, maybe Woody Allen is the man for you. This will also solve the problem who to cast as the leading man since Woody 8 out of 10 times casts himself in the lead role. Martin Scorsese can show the characters darker sides and Robert deNiro surely would love to do another movie with Martin. So now we have some options to chose from. I’d pick the Paul Schrader script with the nightsetting. This would give the "love-scene" a touch of film noir. As cinematographer I’d go with Tonino delli Colli with his acute angles, very unorthodox. For the original score I’d hire John Williams to give the scene some extra boost with a strong brass section instead of strings (too predictable with strings) JT Walsh as the cop patrolling the park in the night is the obvious choice. For supporting actress I’d throw in young Natalie Portman. She could be the young girl running away from home only to face the dangerous elements of the city. I’d give the male lead to Jim Carrey with his improvisation skills, and because it would be quite nice to see how Jim would handle a love-scene in the middle of Central Park. Now, I need a female lead who can stand up to this actor and that has to be given to Meryl Streep. Wow, think about it, Jim Carrey against Meryl Streep, some match up, eh? Last but not least. The director. I think I’d give the job to Woody Allen. He really could make this into an unpredictable story with lots of twists and turns. So this is my dreamteam. I think we’ll never EVER see a movie with this cast and production team, but hey, one’s allowed to dream right? Tobias Kleväng